I have decided I am not. Or, rather, that I won't be any more. It is too hard.
I have had a rough couple of weeks on the faculty front. I am really struggling with whether all the stress is worth it. I feel like I can never stop working. That has been especially hard to deal with the last month or so because my daughter ended up in the psychiatric ward at the local children's hospital, followed by two weeks of a partial hospitalization program. Needless to say, I've been absent from my office a lot the past month and not working as much as I should be.
One of the things I am most interested in is mental health. Specifically, how being a parent, employee and partner/spouse affects our mental health. Black women have always done it all, but at what price? What is up with the "strong black woman" stereotype? I think that is what led to my daughter's hospitalization--she didn't want to share her feelings or cry or let people know how angry she was. The fact that she never sees me do those things didn't help.
We (black women) tend to wear our strength like a mantle. We wrap it around ourselves and hold on tight. We roll our eyes at the drama queens, wondering why they just can't learn to "handle their business." We don't talk about mental illness, even though too many of us know someone who has "bad nerves" or is "just crazy" or has committed suicide.
And by doing so, give ourselves the burden of not being able to expose the anger, pain, disillusionment, hurt without feeling like we are not being who we are at our core--black women who have struggled and overcome, continue to struggle and overcome.
At least that is how I feel.
But going through this experience with my daughter has shown me that she is the strong one. She was willing to ask for help when she needed it, instead of hurting herself. And she is learning that it is much harder to let all those feelings out than to act like nothing bothers you and everything is okay.
Now it is my turn.
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You know.I'm going through something similar, but it doesn't help that you have comments from other black women saying "Well, there's nothing to stress about. My mother had 6 kids and she was fine." And I think to myself "That's cos you couldn't see what her mind was going through" I'm at the stage where I wish I could check myself into hospital and just rest. I'm literaly tired from the moment I wake up till I sleep. When the kids aren't awake, I'm not resting, but studying/preparing their lessons/reading my Bible.I miss time for 'me.' And if I feel this way, there must be other (black) women who feel this way, but no-one admits it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments!! You are so right! I am so glad I am not the only one who isn't afraid to admit it!
ReplyDeleteI could have written this same post, having had a similar experience. I'm finding more and more blogs by black women discussing this. I've even had folks tell me not to talk about being on medication...as if by saying so, I'm admitting I'm weak. But we really need to get this mental health issue out in the open, because we are running ourselves ragged by keeping it in the closet.
ReplyDeleteWith that said, I'm feeling much like a rebel these days, because I feel like what's considered 'normal' is really what should be considered 'crazy'. My baby is stressed out over hairstyles. But it isn't really about hair, is it? And that's one of a million issues that are distressing. And I don't think there is an easy solution to all of this. But what is definitely a step in the right direction is talking about it. Being honest and not putting up a superwoman facade.
Amen, sistah!
ReplyDeleteYou have definitely defined real strength - its actually weakness that causes us to close up and hide behind our tough exteriors.
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